An exploration into the experience of dating as a bisexual woman.
Seventeen, covered in glitter, I’m at my first gay pride when my then-boyfriend asks if I still want to be with him.
Celebrating my queerness didn’t equate to dating a man, it seemed. Surrounded by the cheers of my community reveling in queer joy, I experienced the epitome of bisexual erasure– my hetero-presenting relationship and my gay identity could not co-exist.
Being proudly queer and part of the LGBTQ+ community seems integral to today’s inclusive culture. But bisexuality, ‘the silent B’, is often sidelined and erased.
Compulsory heterosexuality theory explains how society conditions us to assume heterosexuality as the norm. Having to explain your sexuality repeatedly becomes so exhausting that it can be easier to hide it, like a secret confession you daren’t reveal.
Freya Hodge, a 20-year-old bisexual woman, explains, “You avoid certain conversation topics and situations because you don’t want to have to go through that again and again; explaining your sexuality constantly is draining, but it’s also invalidating.
”I find that I repress my sexuality because I don’t want to constantly bring up receipts to prove myself.”
Bisexual women don’t just repress their sexuality around others; some are not open with themselves. Izzy Morgan, 22, said: “Even though I knew I was bisexual, I think I had to prove to myself that I could date a man before ever dating a woman. I told myself I had a preference for men–and that just wasn’t true. I think that was me not validating myself and my sexuality.”
She described how she facilitated this internal repression on dating apps by setting the preferences for only men, despite clearly stating she was bisexual in her profile: “That was part of my desire to suppress my sexuality and this need to be in a relationship with a man before exploring anything else. I wasn’t hiding it from anyone, it was more like I was hiding it from myself.”
Meghan K. McInnis, a queer-focused sex researcher, says when bisexual individuals internalise experienced biphobia, this can lead to ‘self-stigma’.
Multiple bisexual people posting confessionals as part of the #StillBisexual campaign described experiencing self-stigma. One said: “I started believing what they said about me. So I tried to make myself straight, I tried to make myself gay, but I always ended up depressed, ashamed, and hating myself more for being bi”.
Izzy admitted: “Honestly, most of the bi-erasure I’ve experienced and that has impacted me the most has come from myself. Not letting myself experience my sexuality properly and realise that being in a relationship with a woman has the same meaning as being in a relationship with a man.”
She said that looking back, she knew that she wasn’t straight in high school, but was too scared to admit it to herself.
“From a young age, I’ve been fixated on the idea of having a family, a husband, children, marriage. I internalised that a lot, and it still probably affects me today.
“Realising that I could want a relationship with a woman completely ruined that. Well- it didn’t ruin it, it just made it look different. It made the future look different. Keeping my sexuality under wraps for so many years was almost a way of protecting that fantasy, and keeping that dream intact.”
For bisexual women, dating men is the path we are led towards.
Ana Goncalves, 20, said it feels like society is constantly pushing her a certain way that isn’t true to herself. “Heteronormativity has made me scared, genuinely scared”, she said, “because it’s so pushed onto you that it makes you feel that you’re not okay for being gay, like you’re doing the wrong thing.”
Her first experience kissing a woman was an uncomfortable one. She said it felt like she had done something wrong. Being attracted to men is a relief for her, and she takes people assuming she’s straight as a compliment. Ana thinks this is because “deep down, I know that I’m probably more gay than I am straight.
“I’m proud to be queer, but in terms of escapism and feeling safe, a part of me is stil homophobic to myself.”
Ms McInnis explains that biphobia can come from heterosexual, gay, and lesbian individuals in multiple forms, including bi-erasure. We experience biphobia from family, friends, partners, the LGBTQ+ community, and society systemically.
Freya said: “People don’t realise that in queer spaces, especially when you’re bisexual, invalidation comes from both sides. It comes from heteronormativity, from heterosexual people, from the queer community. You constantly feel like you have to validate yourself to both. It’sworse when you’re in a relationship with a man, and you’re in a queer space,” she said, because you “feel like you have to overcompensate.”
Dr Kirsten McLean, a sociologist focusing on LGBT issues, same-sex relationships and sexuality, examined the engagement of sixty Australian bisexuals with the gay and lesbian community and found that one-third of participants were not involved. Many of them viewed the community as “exclusionary”, with responses like, “I’ve felt a sense of not really belonging, of being a bit of a fraud”, and, “We are the marginals’ marginals”. Some described letting people assume they were gay or lesbian without correcting them, or intentionally choosing to label themselves as “queer” to avoid being excluded.
Catherine, 25 at the time, said: “My experiences [with the community] ranged from completely accepting to nonchalant to condescending and patronising. I’ve had comments like I’m just confused, it’s just a phase, come back when you’ve sorted yourself out.”
Personally, I’ve found myself asking recently if dating men feels easier because it avoids having to confront homophobia and the fear of being invalidated–from the world around you and from within.
I still feel so daunted by queer experiences, because I don’t have that many of them. It feels scary, in a thrilling way. I feel like I’m making it up as I go with women, far more so than I do with men.
Of course, it’s heteronormativity that makes queer dating feel so daunting. Dating and hooking up with women was never taught to me. That’s why I feel like a fish out of water; this is the constructed reality of a heteronormative society.
Dating men, for women, is so normative that it’s taught to you repeatedly through media and social norms. You understand the steps to take–there’s a layout, a template there. This seems to be a trend amongst bi women where we have no idea how to flirt with other women, even avoiding it entirely. Countless tiktoks have been made about this phenomenon, and their comments are filled with ones like this: “As a bi girl, I have no game so I just keep dating men because they’re easy.”
In its 2023 LGBTQIA+ Data, Advice, Trends and Expertise report, Hinge revealed that bisexual daters are three times more likely to have never had a queer dating experience than other LGBTQIA+ daters and encounter ‘fear of exploration’. According to the report, bisexual daters can even find it more intimidating to disclose it’s their first queer experience due to the Biphobia they experience within and outside the community.
But if we avoid dating women for fear of being invalidated, we invalidate our sexuality ourselves by repressing it.