How seriously should you consider religion in dating? How does religion affect your relationship? Hear from some real-life examples and experts on how to navigate religious differences and dating.
What is the reason to say no to a proposal? Too early? Not that serious? Secret ick? In 2023, it doesn’t usually come down to religion, yet when Mebil turned down a proposal because of different religious beliefs.
Mebil Alexander, 25, a project manager, once rejected a proposal from her best friend, who is Hindu, because she realised finding a partner who follows Jesus Christ as she does is important.
“Before, I thought I could date someone as long as they accepted my ideology, but after this proposal, it made me reconsider.
“I need my future partner to sit with me while I am praying and motivate and encourage me in my spiritual life. This proposal made me think about everything and I realized my priority is Jesus Christ, which means my boyfriend has to follow him as well.”
Open Communication
Jennifer Nuchter, 21, has been dating her Muslim boyfriend, Amjad for 5 months.
“For a relationship, talking about religion and belief is important, otherwise, you can’t understand this person fully, because it is part of your identity and personality. It is also about having the freedom to express your own belief.
“I was fasting with my boyfriend the first week of Ramadan as well to try to understand and know more about him and his religion. It is interesting to listen to another perspective of God,” said Jennifer.
So, if you are really in love with someone and truly care about them, you can convert to their religion… right?
“I will respect my partner’s religion, but I wouldn’t change myself for them,” said Shakthi Thyagarajan, 21, born Hindu but doesn’t consider herself religious.
“I always thought that I don’t mind based on their religion, but after consideration, I think I will have a problem with someone who is ‘extremely’ religious.
“The way I see religion, it is more like a concept. You cannot be so sure about a concept. It is more about the attitude in life, and religion is how they show their attitudes. I want someone who is liberal, flexible, open-minded, open to change, and not too strict about religion,” said Shakthi.
“Because religion is part of who you are, converting to another religion is like changing your identity. I will only do it if I feel this is right for me, but not for anybody else’s needs or what they want me to be,” said Jennifer.
“I asked my boyfriend, are you sometimes sad or concerned that I am not Muslim, would you want me to be Muslim? He said, ‘No, of course, no.”
And even Mebil, who turned down a guy for not being of the same religion, doesn’t think conversion is the answer.
“If you want to follow Jesus, don’t do that for me, do it for you. If you love him, follow him.
“I don’t want to impose my ideology on anybody,” said Mebil.
However, religion can be intimidating somehow because of its highly self-dependent and self-disciplinary principles, yet it is hard to live up to all the rules and regulations, even for those whose religion is of great significance.
“Dating is not allowed in my religion, including touching, kissing, and going out alone,” said Amjad, Jennifer’s boyfriend,
“Sometimes I feel guilty, sometimes I push it away. I pray to Allah before I go to bed. My parents might be disappointed if they find out, but I believe they won’t distance me.
“Traditionally in my culture, the getting-to-know-each-other phase is only after the engagement. In this stage, you tell each other everything, like the expectation of marriage, how many children you want, and how you want to raise your children.”
For some people, asking the hard question about religion now is a way of futureproofing when things become more serious.
“For relationships, my end goal is marriage. Dating is not an experiment, I need to be serious,” said Mebil.
“I don’t mind marrying a non-Muslim woman, but I have to raise my kids in a 100% Muslim way.
“In my culture, we discuss marriage after the engagement. I am not concerned about this now because I am still young, but I will surely think about it more thoroughly in a couple of years’ time,” said Amjad.
“It is important to talk about religion or belief in a relationship or while dating. It can help partners understand each other’s values, beliefs, and worldviews, which can play a significant role in determining compatibility and the success of the relationship.
“Additionally, religion can often be a source of conflict or disagreement, so discussing it openly and honestly can help partners navigate potential challenges and find ways to respect each other’s beliefs,” said Chris Pleines, a dating expert from DatingScout.
“If you find it awkward to sit down and have a ‘serious’ conversation, you can always use games to lead into it. There are many fun question sheets on the internet to help people know each other better,” said Alex Limanowka, a previous divorce lawyer and therapist who is experienced in counseling intercultural couples.
But how can we prepare ourselves for all this?
“Getting to know yourself before entering a relationship is crucial because the most important relationship for you is the one with yourself.
“Knowing who you are, what your values are, what is important to you, what you want to achieve, and what things you can compromise on. Only after knowing these elements, can you get into a deeper and more meaningful relationship,” said Alex.
“Relationships, including interfaith relationships, can work if both partners are willing to engage in open communication, mutual respect, and compromise.
“However, each couple is unique, and their experiences may vary based on their individual circumstances and dynamics. Hence, it’s essential to remember that relationships require work, patience, and understanding from both partners,” said Chris.
While Jennifer may have fasted for Ramadan, Amjad was equally willing to give up meat for a while because he knows how being vegan is so important to her.
“We may have to say goodbye to each other at one point, but the understanding and love we had are more than anything,” said Jennifer and Amjad.