Dating can be hard – especially when you are a certified overthinker.
Dating is a slow process. If you are an impatient and overthinking person like me, you would like to know what lies ahead and it’s hard to convince yourself to “trust the process” and believe that “it is what it is”.
However, I think it is safe to say that a lot of people sometimes fall victim to their own overthinking – especially when it comes to dating. Yet, it is important to mention that we are all guilty of overthinking. Why else would “mind reading” be the most common answer during drinking games when asked to choose between that or flying/time travel?
Besides, overthinking is like a bad headache – we all get them sometimes, and some more than others.
Why do we do it?
So, you’re not alone when it comes to the never-ending “what if’s”. It is human nature to analyse people and situations. That being said, you have literally no way of knowing what another person is thinking at any given time. And, sometimes you have to let those worries go.
Despite overthinking being very normal and almost always in relation to other people, it could be self-destructive at times. In the early stages of a relationship, you may be more prone to overthinking. You desperately want to fill in the gaps or imagine what the other person is thinking.
Or perhaps, you may be nervous by nature. You anticipate anything that might go wrong and prepare a defensive response when (or if) it does.
Besides, such (negative) thoughts can unintentionally be used as defense mechanisms to protect yourself from the hurt of anticipated rejection.
Indeed, jumping to conclusions leaves you with either a sense of relief if you hear from them again. And, if they never get back to you…you have already braced yourself for that.
After all, you always need to protect your heart. However, constant overthinking is not only harmful on its own, but it can take a serious toll on your self-esteem.
Wondering if you’re being zombied? Read more about it here:
What can it look like?
Here are a few examples of what overthinking might look like:
“What if he doesn’t like me anymore? Am I boring? What if he is interested in someone else? What if I wear/do/change this maybe then he’ll be interested..”
“She texted me two days ago, but I haven’t heard back. Is she ghosting me? Would it be too much if I double text her or what if she sees me typing but then I don’t send anything?”
“How come he cancelled our date to watch the rugby game with his boys?” Is he more interested in his friends and rugby than in me? “Should I start watching rugby?”
Truth is, those who are prone to engaging in these “self-destructive” guessing games risk missing out on opportunities to get to know new people on a deeper level.
Also, it is not only unfair to the overthinker but also to the other person – don’t project past relationship troubles onto someone who is nothing like your ex.
How to manage it
Here are some tips from fellow overthinkers on how to deal with your overthinking and not let it get the best of you – or your relationship:
- Don’t get caught up in the past.
No matter what has been said and done, there is absolutely nothing you can do about this now.
Despite how nice it would be to be able to go back in time and change it, it’s not even an option.
Rather just try to learn from it, and in most cases don’t necessarily forget about it, but use it as a good template for what not to do or for what to do in the future.
- Don’t rely too much on your friends for advice
This one was mentioned by a number of people, with most mentioning it has caused them to overthink and over-analyse even more.
Truth is, without any input, it is easier not to have any opinion at all.
On the other hand, while you are free to complain to friends about dates or potential “the ones”, you should maybe avoid the “Why do you think they said X?” – especially in the early stages.
- Keep your mind busy.
When getting to know someone new, stick to your hobbies and interests to keep your mind occupied.
Maybe even date numerous people at once? This could relieve some of the stress or pressure on that one person.
- Stop thinking about deeper meanings.
Everything will be revealed in time, worrying about it will not make the time go faster, nor will it help you figure it out.
If you are always focused on what they are doing, saying, or thinking, it will not change the outcome, but might rather create an issue where there wasn’t one before.
Truth is, they’ll either message you, or they won’t.
They’ll want to take the next step, or they won’t – unfortunately, it is completely out of your control and you should rather focus on what YOU want and feel.
- Bring your attention back to the present.
Overthinking usually focuses on what has happened in the past or what lies in the future. Try to bring your mind back to what is happening right now.
- Put your phone away.
Most likely the source of your overthinking, leave it at home if you go on a walk or put it on silent when you’re out with mates.
- Consider the situational circumstances.
Have you been dumped by a crush or ex before? That could cause you to overthink things, and understanding this might be why you’re overthinking can help.
- You literally have no control over other people.
Do I need to say more?
So, maybe instead of obsessing over the “what ifs,” try to let things play out how they are supposed to, and if it doesn’t go your way, tell yourself “Oh well”, take it on the chin, and move on to the next.