I am jealous of your ex. More specifically, of all the “firsts” you had with her.

During the first year of being together with my boyfriend, I experienced a lot of “first things”. First serious relationship, first moving in together, first meeting parents and him meeting mine. Of course, first oral sex, as well as having a first long-term sexual partner. To sum it up, a lot of firsts, and I’m happy I got to share that with him.

But my boyfriend? He’s already had that experience. He’s done it all. During sixth form and university, he was in a four-year-long relationship. He got to lose his virginity, officially met her parents, and even got through the process of living together. It’s nothing new to him while I’m excited about all of it. Sounds familiar?

It’s pretty normal and inevitable to feel jealousy in relationships. But what if you’re jealous of your partner’s past? Count me in, you’re not alone. While I’m still working on feeling okay and unbothered about my boyfriend’s past relationship, here’s what the past year looked like for me.

For the first few months, I couldn’t even name what I was feeling. Every time we had sex, that little thought ‘he’s already done it, it’s boring to him’ was passing through my mind and wouldn’t leave me alone. Every time he was mentioning something he’s done in the past, like a specific sex position, I would get irritated and angry. I couldn’t explain why I was behaving like that. Acknowledging my feelings was the first step towards normalizing the whole thing. I did a bit of research – don’t judge me, but I simply searched ‘I am jealous of my boyfriend’s ex’ on Tiktok and spent half the night watching confessions of girls saying they experience the same feelings as I am. That made me feel like I’m not alone and certainly not crazy.

Which has inspired me to have a conversation with my boyfriend. I was so insecure and anxious to even mention my worries, it took me SIX months to sit down and have a little chat with him. It sounded bizarre – how could I be jealous if there’s nothing to be jealous about? He’s with me, not with her, we are getting more and more serious… so why am I feeling like that?

He let me share all my worries, and I remember crying at the end. I was carrying so much weight on my shoulders, and when I let it go, it was like I was free. All he did was he held me in his arms and kissed my forehead. The whole conversation got him by surprise, but what helped me the most was his understanding. He didn’t judge me, he simply listened. I can’t even imagine pretending that my feelings don’t exist any longer, it could have destroyed me or the relationship.

Because it’s not like I’m jealous of the girl. It could have been any other girl in the world, and I still would feel angry. It’s the thought that if I’m not his first, then it’s not memorable or interesting. I reckon it has a lot to do with society making first times a big deal, and I have heard about it ever since I was a little girl.

After that conversation, my intrusive thoughts slowed down a little. Then one day, I thought “Wait, I also had a boyfriend a few years ago… and I don’t even care about him now, let alone remember all the details about being with him.” And that has helped me massively. It was the realization that even though my experience wasn’t that serious, I still have my own emotional baggage. And it doesn’t matter because I rarely think about it – I’m much happier in my present times. What if it was the same for him?

Obviously, in the ideal world, we would have found each other much earlier and we would have been each other firsts. Now it doesn’t really matter to me. From time to time, I still get sad when he mentions he had a kiss somewhere or he’s been to a place I haven’t been to yet. But I like to think all his experiences with her made him prepared to be with me and treat me even better. I decided to turn all the negatives into something positive and from now on, we’re making our own firsts. It’s not like I’m trying to replace memories. It’s simply adding new things to our collection.