It’s the 26th of May 2023, however for those who are single, it may not feel like a new day, it may feel like they’ve been living out the same 24 hours for the last few months, or years.
That’s because dating in the 21st Century has got the human race stuck in a loop. Swiping, matching, texting, dating, ghosting. Living in these five continuous verbs over and over again. It leads to a cycle of heartbreak, hopelessness, and depression. Experiencing these emotions constantly, with no real way out.
Though what if I told you there was a way out, a way to break the cycle and make real and sustainable connections through self-learning and healing. Sound appealing? Well in a few months this will be a reality thanks to Richa Raval.
The 25 year old, financial analyst is also the CEO and founder of the upcoming dating app Pair. The app already has a waiting list of 400 people and is based around the idea of understanding and working on yourself before and while finding love.
For Richa, this idea spawned from her own unhealthy relationships. Then one day she decided to break that cycle and realised that more people needed to learn what she had been taught.
“We go through dating quite mindlessly, millions of us stumble upon relationships and we don’t really realise the pattern of behaviours that form early on that then dictate the relationship that you form long term.
“We choose partners, create unhealthy dynamics, and then years later, end up going to couples therapy or through separation.
“For me started with being in toxic relationships and getting into these cycles mindlessly, but then realising that there must be something that can be done differently. Asking questions such as, ‘Why am I choosing the same kind of partners? Why am I repeating these patterns?
“This then led me to this journey of going to therapy, learning about myself, reading about attachment styles and how that shows up in the way you choose partners, and how you behave in relationships.
“Through this I was able to create those relationships not only with romantic partners, but with friendships too because I understood what my needs were, my boundaries, my attachment style, my triggers, and how I could behave in more secure ways.
“The more people I then spoke to, the more I realised that everyone experiences this, and I was like I need to create this framework so everyone can access this, so I worked with relationships psychologists to make a dating app that perfected, to make sure that people can access this material before they start dating.
“If you’re learning this behaviour before we get into a relationship, we’ll then choose the right partner who’s also willing to do the same work. This is because they’re on the same journey, learning about attachments and about triggers. Therefore, when you are triggered, they will be learning how to show up in a secure way just the way you will be learning how to come up in a secure way.
“This will set you up for a strong relationship early on because then you’re going to start with healthy patterns and habits, which will last your entire relationship. Find a right partner and then build it together.
“This what my dating app pair will aim to do.”
Though will how will this app work? Richa told us that it would be a Duolingo style app that helps people learn through bite sized tools and exercises by relationship phycologists.
“The first step will be your basic information. Then there will be a few questionnaires with quizzes on attachment styles, love, languages, your needs, your core values, conflict styles, things like that. They will be very short, taking 5 minutes or less, and be very interactive. with drag and drop functions.
“This will enable us to personalize your portal where you will get a list of modules. These are Duolingo style exercises because they’re bite sized and all on different topics. The three areas these topics will be split into are learning, reflection and practise.
Learning
- Knowledge and awareness on a subject.
- Will teach about an issue. For example, attachment styles.
- There will be a video on what they are, what each one looks, and the triggers/coping strategies.
Reflection
- Where people think about how it impacts them
- Little journal prompt about how you might have been triggered.
- Different questions, regarding different things that can help you reflect on your own attachment style.
- Things such as how your caregiver impacted you and what coping strategies you would be you could do to implement going forward.
Practise
- Scenario based questions with multiple choice answers where people practise how to do these things in the real world.
- For example, Sally and Mark have been dating for this long, and then this little thing happened. What attachment style is being triggered in this situation? .
- Additionally, Mark is experiencing this issue, what attachment styles are being triggered? How can Sally show up in this situation in a more secure way?
- There will be options and you must select the right one
“Throughout this, when they complete a task, they will collect power points and they will need 30 of these to be able to unlock dating, and that’s when they will be able to pair with users. If they fall below 30, dating is locked, meaning they need to complete more and more modules to continue to pair.
“On the dating side of the app, we are trying to keep that healthy as too.
“People that pair will only be allowed to chat on the app for seven days. Once the time is up the app will ask whether the user wants unpair or schedule a date. This way we are making sure that people stay involved, making sure they make next, otherwise you have to unpair.
“They will be allowed to have video calls as well as we don’t want to force them to meet in person if they don’t want too. Alongside that, we’ll have resources which will allow them to meet with therapists that if they want to go deeper into any of the topics they have discussed while on the app.
“We’re also planning on having a further step, a couple side of the app, which will become available once users are paired for a couple of months. This side will help them navigate the early stages of a relationship and how to spend it.
“There will be your typical pictures but only the most important things that you need in a relationship, not the fluff. Just your needs that are non-negotiable, the areas be that will make you be fulfilled in the relationship. There will be two questions:
1). What does your ideal relationship look like?
2) What do you bring to the table? For example: what is one thing that someone you date should know about you.
“These answers can be as goofy or as meaningful you want. Finally, there will be the PowerPoints that you’ve that you’ve scored so our users can see how much work someone is putting in.
For Richa, creating this app isn’t about the money, or the Fame, it’s about creating genuine change, change that will shape the world, and how we date within it, for years to come.
“I want to change the world; I want to end the cycle of toxic relationships. I want people to be able to break the cycles of the intergenerational family cycles that have been happening. I want them to stop, think about how I’m going to do something differently and show up in this relationship differently.
“If done, that really has a huge impact because if you choose the right partner, you create healthy habits early on, then tomorrow when you have children, you are teaching your children a better more secure attachment.
“You’re teaching them healthy ways of relating to their friends growing up, their siblings, and then as adults, they will be securely attached and will automatically choose relationships that are healthy.
To sign up for the Pair waiting list, click here: http://www.pair-dating.com/