Thinking of having sex on the first date? Not sure what to expect, or if you even want to? Jim Reynolds, a COSRT Sex and Relationship therapist in London discusses his thoughts on what he thinks about sex on the first date and gives advice on the topic.
“It’s what happens before the date that is crucial, people don’t often spend time thinking about safety, consent, and health, they’ve probably given to contraception. But the likelihood is that, whenever you have sex you’re going to enjoy it more if you’ve paid attention to your boundaries.
“So the thing with sex on the first date is if you arrive in that situation and you haven’t really thought about where you’re at, then there might be problems.
“Identifying your boundaries about what you do and don’t want to happen before you get into the date is a good idea.”
Meeting someone on a dating app may feel different from meeting someone by chance but there seem to be similarities that coincide.
“One of the more important things is the more you have communication and trust, the more likely you are to enjoy sex. So you could meet someone and have that immediately but you are more likely to be able to have communication and trust with someone when there’s more of an introduction. It’s about getting what you want and knowing yourself to get what you want.
Are you unsure whether or not you want to or are even ready to have sex? A few key points he mentions include safety and trust.
“It’s too early if you feel unsafe or someone puts you at risk. It’s too early if personally, you need more trust in someone to actually enjoy sex because the more you trust someone, the better the sex is and that might not have had time to develop.”
Even though we are in the 21st century, it may feel as though stigma is still attached to the idea of having sex with someone that is a stranger to you. The idea of one-night stands also comes into play in the conversation.
“What’s lurking behind this whole conversation around sex on the first date of what’s too early and one night stands is the question of shame. What do we think is acceptable, what do we think is normal, what do we shame people for.
“People may want to project shame, there’s no reason to take that on board, although sadly some people do, then feel bad because family, friends, society tells them well you shouldn’t have done that, so it’s complex. Shame is a part of this conversation.”
“There shouldn’t be any shame around just enjoying sex just for pleasure. As long as it is safe, sane, and consensual. That’s a principle from the kink world, which is basically saying How do I work out what’s going on here?
“Everyone needs to make their own decisions, we are talking about consenting adults here. You are in charge of what you do. And the key thing again is to set your boundaries before you get there. If someone is pushing against your boundaries, that’s not a sign to change your boundaries, it’s a sign that person is not going to respect your boundaries later.
“So maybe that’s a situation where you might avoid sex because that person is not respecting what you’re bringing.”
Sex on a first date may come across as a way of being ‘too easy’ and not wanting a long-term relationship, when in fact, it doesn’t have to have an effect on it at all.
“It’s interesting because I am a therapist, not a fortune teller. So what I say to my clients is, relationships are a mixture of certainty and uncertainty. There are things that you know and things that you don’t know, and the big place that we don’t know is the future.
“There are no guarantees right? That makes it exciting, but it can also make it anxious, so when you meet someone new, that’s part of the parcel. There’s just no way to know.
“And You wouldn’t know until much later, because you haven’t got a relationship. Effectively you’re having sex with a stranger.
“It’s totally new, you don’t know this person, you’re taking this chance of enjoying your body and all of that stuff, but it’s not a relationship at that point, it’s a spark.”
The unsureness of sex on the first date, and evidently having sex with someone you don’t really know can cause stress. Jim makes a point that it may be a reason to be careful.
“My advice is if you’re unsure, take that as a sign and probably don’t, if you’re not sure, err on the side of caution. That might be your gut trying to tell you something.
“You get more pleasure from sex when you have more confidence in yourself and your partner and when you know you’re confident and sure. I think that’s probably a rule of thumb.”
In our society, there is a disparity in the way men and women are treated when it comes to sex. Men can be praised while women may be shamed for having sex with someone they don’t know that well. Jim mentions the unfortunate difference between both sexes.
“I think the same rules apply, but the consequences can be different.
“We still have a lot of disparity when it comes to how people see men and women having sex. I think it’s changed since I was growing up in the 80s but people can still be shamed for enjoying sex and unplanned sex and that needs to change.
“It’s the thing of people projecting shame and passing judgment. People can take that in and knowing your boundaries and defining what’s acceptable for you is a way of protecting yourself from people shaming and judging if that does come up. I think, unfortunately, and unfairly, it’s more likely to happen to women than men.”
It would be important to note that not everything you can hear about stereotypes about sex on the first date may be true. The prejudgment of how good the first time with that person may be doesn’t always have to do with it being a first date situation.
“If it’s not good the first time, then it won’t ever be good; That’s one of the myths. The reality is that sex gets better over time, not because you get better at it, but because you have more trust, more intimacy more understanding, and more connection, so if the earth doesn’t move it’s not the end of the world.
“Even if you’re feeling completely confident yourself, the person you’ve chosen as your sexual partner might not be. And you know both men and women and other genders can experience performance anxiety for all sorts of reasons. So there is more going on than just a physical exchange of body fluids. There’s a whole world underneath the surface.
“So arriving at a rewarding sex life is often the result of communication and trust more than having the right fireworks to set off. So I think that’s one of the main myths, that it’s got to be perfect from the get-go, that’s just not true. Sex is something you often have to work on.”