Have you ever wished you could go back in time and fix some past fuckups?
Signing up for Tinder was one of the things (after taking the first legal shot of alcohol) I did when I turned 18. Four years later, I would say even though I’m not an expert, I have made some dating mistakes. Ghosting a boy, ignoring the brightest red flags on a first date, you name it. Here is what I would say to the younger version of myself, who is unconsciously signing up for a hell of a ride.
First of all, please just leave when you are not appreciated. I cannot even count how many times I was stuck in unhealthy situations and though my mind was begging me to pack my bags and never see them again, my heart was stuck on the potential the relationship had. And for the love of god, don’t perceive it as a challenge! If
someone has made it perfectly clear they don’t want to see you…
GO.
RUN.
DON’T LOOK BACK.
Secondly (and this one connects with the previous one), stop trying to force it. Even though I’m a bit of an introverted person, I still like to message people I care about. Often. So nearly three years ago I was dating a guy during summer. I didn’t expect anything serious, as I was waiting for my final exam results and was due to move to England in a month. Obviously, we had a great time, but when it got closer to me moving across Europe to start my studies, he started to pull away and stopped texting me.
Naturally, my ambition and ego wouldn’t let him go, so I started messaging him multiple times daily and replying to his Instagram stories. It even got to a point I was checking his follower’s numbers to see what was going on, because if he’s not seeing me, he must be seeing someone else. Girl, please just take a hint. Looking back at the messages, I can’t
believe I couldn’t let him go. Turns out, during the two weeks he was “so busy” he DID find another girl and he was
already seeing her exclusively – what a speed though. If I could go back in time, I would definitely block him and stop trying to imagine he’s magically going to reach out to me with an apology and how he is sorry he wasn’t available. Maybe if he was blocked, I wouldn’t have sent him birthday wishes four months later. I still had hope then.
Another one, shut up when you drink. I would always say I could handle drinking easily
(it’s probably my Polish heritage). So let me tell you, I was pretty surprised when I woke
up one day after a party with flashing images of yesterday’s night. The only thing I
remember is I was trying to talk to a guy I was interested in but couldn’t remember what
THE HELL did I say. After some digging and talking to the said guy, turns out I, and I
quote, told him I’m in love with him and how BADLY I want to be with him… Was it
partially true? Yeah. Did I want him to know that? Absolutely not. Even after two years, I
still don’t know what demon got into my body that night, but I know one thing. If you have
something AS IMPORTANT as love confession, please wait until you’re sober. FYI, he’s
going to become one of your best friends and will try to embarrass you by telling that
story at every party.
This one may sound childish, but don’t believe everything a boy tells you. Especially
when he only texts you what you want to hear, but when you meet in person, it’s like he
was a different person. I remember holding on to all those nice messages, rereading
them at night and smiling. It was those moments that made me fall in love with the
potential rather than the actual person. When we met later, I couldn’t match the nice guy
that was messaging me all night long with the prick that was standing right next to me. I
even started rationalising everything, explaining to myself that “maybe he was having a
bad day” or blame it on the nerves. Even though my friends were screaming at me to
never see him, I would simply put my rose-coloured glasses on and ignore all the
negative comments. All of this has made me learn that actions speak louder than words
and if what someone’s doing does not match what he’s saying, then it’s better to say
goodbye to them.
And lastly, don’t think every boy you go on a date with will automatically become your
partner one day. I know it sounds tempting to fall for the potential, but you only break
your own heart. Treat the meeting as a chance to figure out if you are even interested in
them as a person, not another love interest. Besides, do you even like them, or are you
simply intrigued because they show you an ounce of attention? If I’m being honest, I
barely remember all the things boys I used to date told me during the meetings. It was
because I was trying to be liked by them and didn’t actually pay attention to what they
said (it wasn’t really worth it so I’m still thinking – what was the point?).
Dating is a beautiful journey and by reflecting on our mistakes from the past, we can
improve our habits and change the way we look at certain behaviours. Unless Elon Musk
would like to surprise us in 2023 by creating a time machine, I guess both you and I are
stuck with our past mistakes for good. The best thing that can be done is make peace
with them and accept they are part of your past. After all, now I know to never mix
feelings and alcohol.