Nearly two years ago, I broke up with a boy I had been seeing for a year. Quite honestly I was pretty obsessed with him, so you can imagine what it was like when I realised we were breaking up. I sat in my bedroom on the phone to him, deep into a panic attack and in floods of tears. I really didn’t think I would come back from it.
A couple of days into wallowing in my own self-pity, I decided to write my ex a letter. At the time, I thought I would do one of two things with the letter; either I would burn it, or I would send it to his address.
In reality, what happened with the letter is that I tortured myself with it. I read it and re-read it over and over, sobbing for days on end. Until, one day I forgot about it. I put it in my desk drawer and never looked at it again. I think the day I put it away was the day I finally got over the relationship.
I threw that letter in a cardboard box when I moved out, along with all of the junk that laid beside it in the desk drawer. Two years later, I still have it, in the same cardboard box of tat in the corner of my room that I have never gotten around to unpacking.
So, I thought I would pull it out and dust it off for you lovely lot. Let’s have a little chat with 19-year-old, heartbroken Hollie…
I’m sitting down to write this not knowing what I will do with it yet. I might keep it, or throw it out but, if it does end up with you, I’m actually sorry. There are a lot of things I haven’t said and I just feel like I have to get them out of my head and onto paper.
Strong start, it is very cliche though! You will be happy to hear that you didn’t send it. I know you might want to boost his ego at the moment and tell him he was the best thing ever, but you will be so, so grateful that you didn’t send it.
I already know that, by far, this will be the cringiest thing I have done. Ever.
Absolutely hit the nail on the head, to this day it probably does still remain the cringiest thing you’ve ever done.
I keep thinking about all the little moments. Things I thought were pretty insignificant at the time but I’m realising meant so much. I’m not going to promise that I will hold on to those moments forever, that may be a tad psycho, but for now I can’t really stop thinking about them.
It would be extremely psychotic, and luckily, you don’t hold onto them forever. In fact, in about two weeks’ time, you’ll forget about those little moments pretty quickly when you have one too many glasses of wine with your boss… yeah… he fancies you quite a bit.
We never had to do anything superficial, you never had to buy me anything or take me out to show me that you cared.
Be honest though, you probably would have liked to be taken out to dinner every now and again.
That whole trip when we went to York, the biggest moment that sticks out was you sweeping me up and running down the road with me in your arms, pretending to be Hugh Grant.
To be fair, that was pretty sweet, however that’s the only stand-out moment probably because, let’s be honest, he was a bit of a prick the rest of that weekend.
Just sitting and watching your silly Marvel shows and doing you a hair mask, or plucking your eyebrows. You’re going to go so ungroomed!
Don’t kid yourself, you NEVER liked those Marvel shows. Also, trust me, you will find so many other boys that will let you groom them. They all love it!
The last time I saw you and we started play fighting, I was chuffed after that and I was telling everyone that it felt like I had my best friend back finally.
You were chuffed, I think maybe embarrassingly so. I think your friends were a bit fed up with you always trying to search for the good in the relationship at this point. I’m pretty sure they secretly rolled their eyes whilst you were gushing.
When we ended it the first time and we went for a final meal before you dropped out of uni, we met those people whose car had broken down and the guy asked if we were a couple, you said: “I don’t think so, not yet”, I held on to that and I’m so glad we were able to give us a proper chance.
I think the main part of this bit is “when we ended it the first time”. He was your ex already! You’ve already gotten over him once and I absolutely promise you, you are going to get over him again. Just remember, only two weeks to wait and you’re going to find something new!
Every time I was with you, I honestly couldn’t quite believe I was allowed to call you my boyfriend. I was so proud to be by your side. You are amazing and I don’t think I told you enough. You are fiercely independent, funny and caring. I’m sorry if I ever took any of that away from you but I am so grateful you shared it with me.
You are really stroking his ego now! Plus, you never took any of that away from him, honestly. He made you think you did, but you didn’t. Although he made you believe it, you were never a burden.
You have really helped me grow, I know I haven’t been great and there were times I was dragging you down with me but you were always so patient. So I want to say thank you for that.
Darling, that time where you ‘weren’t great’ I think was a minor mental health crisis. He was your boyfriend, he was meant to support you through that. Again, you were not a burden.
I’m scared I won’t be able to share any good moments with you again, I won’t get to see you pull that grinning face you do when you know you’ve said something cheeky. I’m scared we will be hostile to each other. It will take some time to get used to.
You’ll share some good moments with him again, wait a couple of months and you’ll even get an invite to his birthday and you’ll watch him embarrass himself after a few too many to drink. He’ll do plenty of grinning too! You’ll stay friends for a little bit, but you end up growing apart – That’s a good thing though.
I never really told you, but I loved you and of course I still do. I think I will always hold a space for you and I really hope we can work out a way of us staying in each other’s lives. I can’t imagine not sharing moments like these with you again.
Woah! The L word! See this is why I’m very glad you decided not to send it. It’s a bit intense isn’t it? But, I won’t deny you it. Maybe you did love him, but I think you fall in love pretty quickly. There are plenty more fish in the sea.
I’m finding it all pretty hard at the moment. I’m sorry we couldn’t make it work and that we got ourselves into a position where we found it difficult to make memories together. Again you were so important to me, you still are.
You’ll find it easier soon, it sounds harsh but he will become so much less important to you. You will get over him. Chin up.
With love, Hollie