A recent poll, commissioned by BBC Three in May 2023, has found that 53% of gay men have experienced discrimination for showing affection to their partners in public.
38% of these discrimination cases happened whilst the men were kissing their partners.
Whatsmore, over half of those surveyed said that it was important for them to have access to gay spaces, but 53% reported that there are not enough spaces for gay people where they live.
We spoke to three men about the poll’s results and asked for their experiences of showing affection in public.
Jamie and Jack
Jamie Creese and Jack Cheese, who are both 25-year-old trans men, have been together for seven years: “Jamie began his transition at 21-years-old, but doesn’t take testosterone anymore. Due to the fact he is feminine in the way he presents himself, we’re conscious about the terminology we use, whether we say boyfriend or partner. We also change that terminology around certain people.
I was in a taxi once on the way home from work. I made a reference to the taxi driver that I was on my way home to see my boyfriend. I used the wrong terminology for that space, and the taxi driver started asking really intrusive questions about gay sex. It was scary because the taxi driver was meant to be taking me home safely, but I didn’t feel safe at all.
As a couple, our experience with discrimination was worse when Jamie was still taking testosterone, and was typically male presenting. We still get a lot of odd looks, people do turn their heads as we pass them, but we notice it less now that Jamie is more feminine in the way he presents himself.
If we are among certain crowds, we’re more likely to drop each other’s hands. We grew up in Basingstoke and there was a real rough type pub just around the corner from where we lived. We would stop holding hands when we walked past the football lads in the pub garden. We didn’t want to attract that sort of attention.
It can just be really scary as a gay man. There’s this sense of disgust from lads like that. I would say though, we dropped each other’s hands a lot more when we were younger, we couldn’t really give a fuck what others think now.
Although, having said that, we are going for a house viewing later and have picked out our best ‘heterosexual couple’ outfits!
It’s true that there aren’t many queer spaces. The spaces that are there tend to be for cis, white and older gay men too and we don’t feel very welcome.
When we were 21, we were in London just looking for somewhere to go for a drink so we Googled ‘Gay bar’. We walked into this space and the whole demographic was just old and white, we felt more uncomfortable there than in a regular bar.
We paid £18 on two drinks just to sit there as they played gay porn on the bar’s projector. Although I think our first mistake was just Googling ‘Gay bar’, you kind of need to know people in the city’s queer scene to make it to the good places.
Alternative crowds and scenes tend to be quite accepting of gay culture, so we go to those types of bars when we go out.”
Tom
Tom Potter is a 25-year-old single currently living in Sheffield: “I’m very apprehensive about showing affection to anyone I’m dating whilst I’m in public. I think it came from when I was younger, growing up in Colchester. It’s an army town.
I remember being 18 and holding my mates hand whilst walking down the street, it wasn’t even a romantic thing, we weren’t together. A group of army lads shouted out at us: ‘I hope you get hit by a car, you f*ggots’
It’s really scary when things like that happen. It causes you to clench up and close up, it really is so scary.
The last person I was seeing, we were together for two years. I never once held his hand in public.
I unfortunately think things are getting worse too. Recently, I was kicked out of and banned from one of the gay bars in Sheffield’s only area supposedly for gay people.
I was dancing in the cage in the bar after a couple of drinks. If you’re in Sheffield and you’re going to be fruity, that cage is the only place to be.
I ended up in an argument with a straight girl who was with her boyfriend. She’s allowed to be there but she has to acknowledge that she’s a tourist in our space. She kept bumping and hitting into me, she wasn’t giving me any space so we ended up in an argument.
Granted I was drunk, I did throw a drink over her, but her reaction, she called me a ‘f*ggot’.
Obviously, using that slur in our safe space isn’t on. I tend to avoid Sheffield’s gay bars on a Saturday nights now, because they’re filled with men in Stone Island as opposed to being safe spaces.
When gay spaces are like this, it makes it hard for us to meet organically and so a lot of my queer friends aren’t in relationships. There’s a fear of rejection, it’s hard when you approach someone and they turn around to say ‘Oh, I’m straight’. It’s harder when someone turns around and says ‘Oh, I’m straight… Fuck off you f*ggot.’”