Teresha Young, Relationship Therapist, discusses do’s and don’ts on first dates
What is a red flag? Self Magazine describes them as negative behaviours that make you question a person and foreshadow a worse pattern to come.
A lot of red flags come up when you’ve been dating for a few months. People are usually able to hide their worst traits for a while before they finally start showing. When on a first date with someone, there are a few red flags that you could keep your eye out for. As a first rendez-vous, you should not see any, so if there are already red flags coming up, you should probably run away.
Teresha Young is a relationship therapist and coach also known as ‘The Confidence Restyler’. She is a public figure whose aim is to support and educate as many people as she can in their lives and relationships. When asked what she considers to be the biggest red flag on a first date, she discussed one that may seem obvious but too many fall into the trap.
“This is a bit of a no-go, even though I can understand why people do it. Which is talking excessively about your previous relationships and your exes.
I can understand because it is a very valid experience and now you are embarking on something quite new with someone and it can be quite exciting. However, people can tend to talk excessively about it. And sometimes you can get the feeling that the person isn’t even emotionally ready to be in this situation, or they might have unresolved issues”.
She makes a note to point out that it doesn’t always have to be a red flag depending on the way you talk about it to the person you are on a first date with.
“I think if you’re gonna talk about relationships or exes in a positive way, in terms of ‘this is what I have learnt from the experience’ or ‘this is how I’ve grown as a person’, then it can be okay. You can discuss what you’ve learnt.”
“But when someone is talking very negatively about the experience, I think that that is a major red flag. What tends to happen is that if you’ve had similar experiences, you can start to trauma bond. And trauma bonding can set the foundation for your relationship going forward, so just be very mindful. It is a big red flag.”
When you first meet someone, in the instance of a first date, you want to make the best first impression possible and expect them to do the same. Certain actions or words can come off as warning signs and red flags when in fact, they might just be green flags.
Through relationship coach experience, Young mentions that someone acting self-centred could really just be nervous.
“You have to use your discernment; whether that person is really ego-driven and they just like to talk about themselves, or actually from their whole energy, that person is actually feeling a bit nervous.
This could be a green flag. They actually care enough about having a good conversation with you and to make a good impression but unfortunately, they are just coming across as being quite anxious.”
While actions reflect a person’s character and attitude on a first date, Teresha Young brings up the fact that the place that the person is taking you to for your first date. On one hand, it can very much depend on the type of person you are or they are.
“It’s going to be different for different people of what a red flag place could be. You could be going somewhere that feels highly aggressive, whatever that activity might be and you might not have that disposition, you might be a softer kind of person.
Let’s say somebody wants to invite you to a boxing match, it’s a sport but it is quite an aggressive sport. That might be a little bit of a red flag for you as a person. However, you might be of the character and demeanour that it is absolutely exciting so really it is based upon your interests and your hobbies.”
On the other hand, certain places are inappropriate or unsafe and could be a big sign of the type of person they are.
“If someone invites you to a strip club for a first date, that would be quite inappropriate. So anything that feels inappropriate, or unsafe would definitely be a red flag. It’s all about timing as well.
There’s a lot of encouragement about people even on the first date going for a walk somewhere, to get to know somebody, cause there’s no pressure you don’t have the money questions of who’s paying. But it’s also about your safety, what’s the location, what’s the timing of that walk, making sure that you tell people the information for safety measure.”
As a general rule, Teresha Young emphasizes: “One of the biggest red flags that could be there is if you are feeling some sort of societal or cultural pressure around what is considered to be right or wrong, and by not actually going by what you think and what you feel in that moment.
There is a lot out there, you’ve got various different terms like ‘the ick’. Sometimes that is caused by other people’s opinions, and you lose sight of what is important to you. So I would say one of the major red flags as well is when you feel as though you are making decisions based on other people’s beliefs and you are not being true to yourself.”