Not Enough Room For The Three Of Us: The Escapades of Simon Peach, Willamina, and Mr Fluffy.
How does your childhood teddy affect your dating life?
Simon Peach is a three-foot something sandy brown teddy bear, who permanently lays in the centre of my bed. It has become routine to prop him up against the pillows every morning where he waits for his nightly snuggle. A valentine's present bought for me from my best friend nearly seven years ago, we named him Simon Peach, or Peachy boy for short, as we thought it funny to give him a name that sounded somewhat like a pornstar.
His age is starting to show, his fluff is wearing thin in the bends around his arms and he finds it difficult to sit up straight. He has a permanent mascara mark on his snout from drunken nights where I forget to take off my makeup, and I must admit, plenty of sober nights I forget to take off my makeup. I have on many occasions nestled into him for a cry. He has been taken camping, moved to countless houses, and been shoved awkwardly into suitcases for nights away from home. Simon Peach has become a safety blanket to me: he has slept next to me for longer than any boy has.
Although I love him very much, I’m not one of those crazy teddy bear mums - I am aware that Simon Peach is not sentient. So with this in mind, I will gladly move him to one side, away from his dent in the middle of the duvet, to make room for a date to stay the night. Simon Peach has met many boys, each of which he has had an oddly similar relationship with. To clarify, there is not a new boy clambering into my bed every night, but there have been enough to notice a trend. None of them like Simon Peach.
My most serious relationship to date was with Spike, we were together for around 11 months, so he met Simon Peach on many occasions. Every night, Spike would throw Simon from the bed and across the room, as he made space for himself under the sheets. I would always shout at him for doing it. There is something quite disheartening about watching your beloved bear fly to a slump on the ground, but Spike didn't see it that way: “I agree you used to get annoyed, but you never said it with your chest, so I didn’t take it seriously. Throwing him off the bed felt like a bit of a joke, it was fun to antagonise you. I was teasing”. I didn’t find it funny.
“He’s a big teddy at the end of the day, there just wasn’t enough room for the three of us” said Spike. Admittedly, Spike is a tall and quite broad man and sometimes we were squeezed for space without Simon in the mix. However, it was very harsh to see Mr Peach lobbed across the room. I would have had no problem if he had placed him softly on the floor.
That is something that Jack did. It was a breath of fresh air to see Simon Peach taken from the bed and gently set down. He was often positioned face to the wall, back to the bed. I’m slightly convinced that Jack didn’t get the memo about Simon Peach being insentient. Whether he placed Mr Peach in the way he did because he was freaked out by his beaded eyes or if he did so to respectfully protect his innocence, it was nice to see him being treated with care over the couple of months Jack and I saw each other.
Simon Peach’s sworn enemy is John. I remember once returning from the bathroom, and witnessing Simon racing mid-air, set to slam against the wall. I confronted John, who shrugged it off. The worst thing about John’s interactions with Mr Peach is that he seemed to torture him in secret. Who knows what that bear went through? Was he choked? Hit? Held up against the wall? From hazily waking up from deep sleep or entering the room at the wrong time, all I have are snippets of scenes of rage. Unfortunately, John didn’t seem too keen to talk openly about his relationship with Simon Peach. John denies any allegations of maltreatment: “I never laid a finger on him.”
I hoped that Simon Peach wasn’t alone in his exposure to violence, not that I would wish his experiences on any other plush companion, but I would find it comforting knowing he isn’t alone and that I don’t just have a bad taste in men with something against teddy bears.
Out of those bears I found traumatised is Willamina, a large shaggy grey sheepdog belonging to 21-year-old Kali Morris. When Kali’s Great-Grandma passed away eight years ago, she inherited Willamina, who is still plump and soft despite being over 40-years-old. Kali has shared many memories with the sheepdog: “Most of my time growing up was spent in front of the fireplace at my great-grandma’s house, a word search in one hand, Willamina sat beside me.”
Four years ago, Kali went on a dinner date with a boy named Alex. “When we got back from the date, we started to get it on, and absolutely out of nowhere, Alex started to pretend to hump Willamina. It was very strange to watch a fully grown man pretend to fuck my childhood teddy. I laughed, I had only known this man for four hours so I didn’t know what to say.” said Kali.
Alex and Kali saw each other for a year and a half after that incident, and Alex’s behaviour towards Willamina continued to remain slightly questionable. “Admittedly, it was just the one time Alex humped Willamina. He started to cuddle up to her instead after that - I was the big spoon, Alex in the Middle and Willamina in his arms. I don’t know what was going on between him and the sheepdog, but they were in more of a relationship than he and I were.” said Kali.
Another teddy who likes to insert himself into intimate moments is Mr Fluffy, who belongs to Sarah. 25-year-old Joe Gardner-Taylor wasn’t aware of Mr Fluffy when he and Sarah started dating. The pair had been in a long distance relationship for six months and Joe’s schedule rarely allowed him to travel from his home in Leeds to Sarah’s in Oxfordshire. However on one oddly quiet weekend, he decided to make the commute south.
Entering her bedroom for the first time, Joe noticed a shelf above Sarah’s bed where 15 to 16 teddy bears sat to attention, carefully balanced in a very particular order. Sarah seemed embarrassed, but Joe settled her. “Teddy’s are a part of growing up, I have teddies in my own room, so there was no need for her to be shy. It’s nice to have teddies around, I think they are a sign of creativity.” said Joe.
Joe and Sarah went out on a date and when they returned home things started to get steamy. Half way through ‘the deed’, a large brown traditional-looking teddy bear launched from the shelf above them, on its way, hitting Joe on the back of the head and Sarah on the face before falling to the ground. “NO! FLUFFY” shouted Sarah as she put a halt to the intimacy to neatly return the bear to his podium. Joe sat laughing, “Sarah was rocked by the bear falling. It definitely put a sore end to whatever we were doing before, but it was quite sweet that she got up to fix Mr Fluffy. We broke up not long after that.”
So, is it a good idea to keep teddies around while we are dating, or should we banish them from the bedroom in order to make a good impression?
Physcosexual therapist, Helen Mayor, says: “Keeping a teddy in the bedroom shouldn’t necessarily put a partner off, but it really depends on the character of the person involved. It won’t phase some people because they are comfortable in their own skin, comfortable with themselves, and they don’t judge people.
“But it may put some people off. A partner may feel watched or observed by the teddy. Some aren’t good at sharing and will feel threatened, they may remove the bear to feel a sense of ownership of their partner. If they are lovely to you but really weird about a toy, I think that would make me question them.”
If you are a person with your own childhood teddy, you may want to think about putting them away. Doing so should definitely eliminate any chance of stuffed-animal-related-violence, and it may mean that you and your partner are able to enjoy alone time unafraid of a plushie intrusion. Keep in mind the kind of impression you want to make.
That being said, you shouldn’t feel that you have to move your bear from their comfortable spot for anyone, and some reactions may be more a reflection of your partner's character than your own. But, for now, I can safely say that Simon Peach will be staying put, propped up carefully against my pillows.