Author and Illustrator of Award Nominated Comic, ‘How to Be Ace: A Memoir of Growing up Asexual’, Rebecca Burgess, Talk to Single-ish About Everything That Makes Them Ace.
So to start, can you sum up what asexuality means to you?
RB: For me personally, I’m just not a sexual person. I don’t like the physical side of relationships. I experience romantic attraction and I do have a partner who I have been with for a very long time – Even though I love her so much, I feel absolutely no need to do anything physical. Outside of hugs of course.
You say ‘of course’ like it’s a given.
RB: Yeah, I like hugs a lot. When I look at my girlfriend and think, ‘Oh I love you so much’, hugs are the first thing that come to mind. I just want to hug her.
Is that what asexuality looks like for most people?
RB: Not necessarily, asexuality is different for everyone and people have varying experiences and levels of comfort towards physical relationships. There are loads of people like me out there though, who don’t ever want to become physical.
Stonewall describes asexuality as a spectrum. Below are just some of the terms used to describe people within the community:
Asexual: Does not experience sexual attraction to anyone
Aromantic: Does not experience romantic attraction to anyone
Grey-asexual: May experience sexual attraction after developing a strong emotional bond with someone
Grey-romantic: May experience romantic attraction, but very rarely
Growing up, did you always know that you were asexual?
RB: No not at all. I spent a lot of time when I was younger ruminating over what was wrong with me and obsessively trying to figure it out. I’m thirty-three now, so you can imagine, asexuality wasn’t something that was spoken about when I was a teenager. I was really worried before I discovered it.
Did everything start to make sense once you came across asexuality?
RB: Finding asexuality was amazing because as soon as you have a term, you can start to put into words how you’re feeling and all of a sudden you’re seen. I knew from then on that I wasn’t just an isolated incident. I was quite old when I discovered it, older than I think people would be now – I was twenty-one and just out of university.
0.06% of the UK population identify as asexual, according to the 2021 Census.
Do you think it’s easier for young people nowadays to discover asexuality?
RB: Asexuality is definitely more visible now, which is brilliant – easier access to the internet does really help but it comes with a whole new set of challenges. We are woefully terrible at
sex education, in the UK at least, it’s not advanced at all, and that pushes kids to do their own research online. Porn is so accessible, which is hard for asexual kids because they think that’s what they should be doing, but porn is fantasy. When I was a kid it wasn’t like that, porn was just looked at in bushes.
How do you think we can better educate children about sex and sexuality?
RB: I will for sure get into trouble for saying this around some people, but parents are irresponsible. Parents should be getting over whatever awkwardness they feel there is and talk to their children about sex and sexuality. Once there is communication, kids will feel more comfortable to share their identities. It’s safer that way too, kids will feel braver to say no to things they don’t want to do – sexual abuse is extremely common among asexual people, so chatting is so important.
82.2% of asexuals worldwide have experienced sexual violence, according to the 2019 Asexual Survey Report.
Was that your aim when releasing your comic ‘How to Be Ace’? To create and encourage this open communication?
RB: The comic definitely created a community and through that, I personally have met so many different kinds of people. The more you speak about asexuality, the more people you connect with. But really, I just wanted the comic to explain, in a relatable way, what asexuality is. I want people to read it and come away with the knowledge that we exist, we’re not making it up and we are human beings just like everybody else. Without that knowledge, people are quick to make assumptions and stereotypes.
What kind of assumptions and stereotypes do people tend to make?
RB: On the whole, people tend to assume that you’re just a prude or that you’re stuck up. I’ve even had people jump to the conclusion that I’m a staunch Christian because I don’t have sex. The most recent example was a couple of months ago, a friend made a dirty joke and immediately turned to me to apologise. I’m an adult, I’m not offended by some ridiculous dirty joke.
Do assumptions like that affect you?
RB: Deep down they do make me feel insecure. I’m not ashamed of asexuality at all, but I do often feel the need to push certain points whenever I speak about it. I have to justify myself and my relationship a lot – I feel the need to emphasise that I have Holly, my partner. I think I even did that at the start of this interview!
76.1% of asexuals worldwide are single, according to the 2019 Asexual Community Survey Report.
When you emphasise the fact you’re in a relationship, how do people react?
RB: They just like to make their own assumptions about the ins and outs of our relationship. Someone that my girlfriend works with is really convinced that Holly is suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, that she’s only with me because she feels she has to be. The colleague told Holly that she’d be much happier if she waited to find someone she’s actually attracted to. She just doesn’t understand asexuality. It’s naivety.
That really is jumping to conclusions! You’ve been together for eight years, have you always had responses like that?
RB: I had never heard that one before to be fair! When we first got together though, most people on the outside thought we just had a very close friendship. I was madly in love with her from the start, but it was hard even for us to work out whether we were more than friends. It was complicated, because we aren’t physical, we don’t use traditional markers within our relationship.
In what way are the markers you use different from any other couple?
RB: I think it’s a bit more simple for couples that have sex. My sister for instance immediately knows when a relationship is getting serious just by the fact that she’s started being intimate with them. We obviously never had that. With Holly, I just wanted to show more of myself and push my boundaries, in an emotional sense. The markers we use are openness, showing all of ourselves, the good and the bad.
Only 35.1% of asexuals worldwide have engaged in consensual sex, according to the 2019 Asexual Survey report.
Is your relationship with Holly the first you’ve ever had?
RB: I tried two relationships at university, well not really relationships in the way me and Holly are, they didn’t work out. With one of the guys, I panicked and messed it up. The second guy I really fell for but he was a very sexual person so I knew it wouldn’t work – that’s when I really started thinking that I was going to be alone.
After those experiences you really didn’t think you would ever meet someone else?
RB: No, I never thought I would have a relationship. I went through a phase where I had to reconcile the idea that I might be alone forever. I thought that to have a partner, you had to be physical and I really wasn’t going to do that. So I thought, fine, I will just be alone. I really made my peace with it.
45.3% of asexuals worldwide feel repulsed / adverse about the idea of engaging in sex, according to the 2019 Asexual Survey Report.
Looking back at that stage of your life, and now in a happy relationship, how does it make you feel that you were thinking like that?
RB: I’m thankful for it actually, because it means that I’m not worried about losing my partner. I know that I’m fine alone. There is so much pressure to be in a relationship, people don’t think you’re whole unless you are. That’s horrible. It’s really hard to get past that way of thinking – it’s not just an asexual thing either, I think any single person feels that same pressure.
What would you say to someone reading this who may be feeling that pressure or is coming to terms with the fact they may be asexual?
RB: It’s valuable to be alone and get to know yourself and if you feel you are asexual, you probably are. Past experiences don’t invalidate anything, sexuality is generally very complex so there is no point sticking to a rigid checklist and thinking you don’t line up. Call yourself asexual in the moment if that’s how you feel – until whether you change and evolve or continue to feel the same way.