Why can’t we encourage men to experiment with their sexuality and play with toys as we do with women?
Women’s use of sex toys is celebrated as a sign of sexual liberation. They are encouraged to flaunt and get off with their plethora of dildos, vibrators and other toys. However, the same can’t be said for men and their masturbatory aids.
According to Ann Summers, 70% of men are reluctant to talk about using sex toys. More than half (52%) believe that the typical perception of male sex toys is that they are “smutty” or “dirty.” In comparison, only 21% of women acknowledged being uncomfortable about discussing or purchasing them.
In addition, 40% of women believe that women should not “need” sex toys, illustrating the double standard attitudes towards sex toys. Because of these attitudes, many heterosexual guys do not feel comfortable using sex toys – or are simply too embarrassed to admit it.
When it comes to sex toys, the emphasis has long been on products purely designed for women. “Firstly women have been marketed sex toys for over 100 years, primarily because advertisers knew that bored housewives made for great consumers.” says Oli Lipski, a sensual intimacy coach, sex tech editor and bisexual researcher.
Since graduating from her degrees in the History of Sexuality and Queer Theory, she has been working within the sex-positive industry as a writer and now supports people struggling with their sex and love lives.
She continues: “Male masturbation tends to be shamed in a slightly different way than women’s.
“While women have almost had this liberatory moment because it has historically been deemed so wrong and ignored, male masturbation has had a more obtuse and overt history that is so intricately tied in with proving one’s masculinity and manhood.
“Thus talking about male masturbation in a ‘pleasure-focused’ way with sex toys being a chance to explore that, could be seen as emasculating.”
The taboo surrounding male sex toys can be pervasive and damaging, whether it’s the fear as being perceived as less masculine or the belief that men should only seek sexual gratification through traditional means.
“When we believe something like this as a culture, it creates a shared sense of disgust. This can put people off from exploring their desires for a fear of being shamed not only by their peers, but ultimately by themselves.
“Instead of feeling curious and liberated, which is what pleasure exploring can bring, many men may be left feeling guilty and confused, which leads to a self-perpetuating cycle of “real men don’t need sex toys” because it’s too vulnerable and confronting to ever admit that one might want to try it out.”
Luka Matutinović is Chief Marketing officer of LELO, a world-leading brand of intimate lifestyle products, also known as sex toys. He says: “A large portion of our society still observes sex and the use of male sex toys through the miasma that is toxic masculinity.
“Which means that all those billions of people on this green Earth who identify as male will somehow be considered less if they participated in this conversation, not to mention use the toys.”
The popular TV show Sex and the City devoted an almost 30-minute episode to the sex toy Rabbit Pearl and how one of the main characters, Charlotte, became obsessed with it. Charlotte and her obsession with her personal massager, on the other hand, was not judged or shamed, and this was not the last time the iconic TV show promoted female sex toys to their viewers. However, have you ever seen a powerful film or television series that represents male sex toys?
“Male sensuality and self-pleasure seem to be treated by many as something of a joke, a crude one at that.” says Mr Matutinović.
“Perhaps it’s due to the false characterisation of men as slaves to their libidos, particularly as it develops during their adolescence, and the idea that men masturbate only in lieu of having sex, thus painting someone who invests any time or money into a masturbatory aid as unable to attract sexual partners.
“This is no more true of men than it is of women, male sex talk and use of toys is all about a man’s physical health, mental health, confidence, and even trust.”
“At the same time, the renaissance of male sex toys satisfies a whole range of needs, beginning with health, and immunity boosts to relaxation.” says Mr Matutinović.
Even though the focus on male pleasure in the sex industry has been around for decades, he believes women were the ones who enjoyed their pick of the “ever-new and ever-better sex toys.”
He continues: “Men sort of got the short end of the stick here. Not only have sex toys for men been treated as a one-size-fits-all situation but if they were to be considered a real man they could not admit to what they have on the nightstand.
“For LELO this has been a learning experience, as we started our story two decades ago advocating for female pleasure, and empowerment by taking pleasure into their own hands.”
By speaking publicly and positively about men who use toys, we will ultimately remove the stigma. Men should feel empowered to use sex gadgets for their sexual pleasure and desires.
Similar to Matutinović, Mr Ms Lipski thinks many men’s sex toys are somewhat ‘stuck in the past’ when it comes to design, such as uncannily replicating human anatomy (a “real-feel” vulva or anus).
“However, the creative innovation in the sex tech industry is starting to shift and this could bring about more cultural acceptability, focusing on pleasure-focused design rather than pornographic mimicking.
“Not that either is better or worse, but it might bring about more awareness to the physical enjoyment of toys than the visual novelty.”
Mr Matutinović explains that their “knowledge of sexual pleasure from prostate massage was, and to an extent still is, pretty new and somewhat limited.
“There are still misconceptions, as this source of pleasure has and is not a part of our conversations. Although people of all orientations and genders can and do enjoy prostate play, heterosexual men are the least likely to discuss it openly.”
Ms Lipski explains that it is likely that heterosexual men are averse to using or admitting they use sex toys due to the stigma related to conservative attitudes around masculinity and sex.
“What a “real man” is, is someone who doesn’t need anything but his penis to bring pleasure to a woman. Men may feel intimidated by sex toys as something that can “replace” them, even though they are simply tools for enhancing the experience.
“And when it comes to sex toys for penises, there may be an additional stigma of ‘not being man enough to find a real woman.
“Heteronormative sex requires two cis straight people having penis in vagina penetrative sex. Historically, anything outside of that has been deemed immoral.
“It’s not surprising that we see sex toys so embedded in queer culture due to the importance of sexual exploration outside of what is deemed acceptable.”
“Not to mention that many believe certain sexual acts determine your sexuality, leaving many heterosexual men averse to exploring the pleasure that anal and prostate stimulation can bring. While gay men are already aware of this, sex toys are well-known and well-celebrated in gay culture as a normal part of sex.
“Once we start to realise as a society that pleasure is for everyone, hopefully we can start to eliminate the shame that we impose on ourselves and others when it comes to sex toys for men.”