“One of the maddest things I have ever done with a girlfriend was flying her to the Bahamas for her birthday.
“I got flown out there by Unilad to face one of the best poker players in the world, Daniel Negranu. I then decided to spend the fee from the job flying my Mrs out at the time out there.
“We had a shit time and broke up a few months later.”
Jacob Hawley, a Stevenage-born, 31-year-old comedian, presenter, business owner, actor, and you name it he probably does it, is currently preparing for his first-ever tour, the bump, which starts in February.
A talented future star, but what does Jacob know about dating? Initially, I feared not a lot because he was in a band called the keys, and when learning that information it was tempting to end the interview because how can a man who was in a band have any dating experience.
However, after continuing to chat, it formed into an entertaining and educational insight into a 27-year-old's experiences of a love and dating scene which has drastically flipped on its head.
For Jacob, it was an island in Greece where he learned his first lesson in dating, he was 18 and spent a summer performing in a pub called Kings Arthur Bar in Falaraki. Amongst the drunk tourists and locals, he was taught that when it comes to love it is best to be honesty and transparent.
“It taught me not to waste time, there are a million people in the world, you could waste 6 months getting to know someone, and not really getting somewhere or you could roll the dice, cut it off, and go find someone else.
“There was a businessman out there who said, “fail quickly” and that was the best lesson I ever learned, do not waste anyone else’s time. For a week I learned to sale's pitch, being forward and asking them to get a drink, and if we were not really feeling it, being honest and just f*cking off back to our mates.
“I never regret cutting it off with anyone, what I regret is not doing it sooner because I waste their time. You never know what opportunities are available when you’re doing something else, you never know how the other side will feel, it is a business thing, they call it opportunity costs, and you never know the cost of an opportunity that isn’t there.
“I realise it is very cold btw, and I don’t want to come across like f*cking Andrew Tate, applying a business model to dating, I mean it most respectably, I just don’t think you should waste people’s time.”
Though it is hard to achieve this honesty in a world where love is now accessible with a tap and a swipe, it has created a dating environment where you are constantly marketing yourself, selling your looks and personality as a product.
In Jacob’s award-winning podcast, Jacob Hawley: On Love, he found that love is a business, and over the last decade, these technological advancements have made dating in your 20s far more complicated, and Jacob is not a fan.
“The people who have the most success are the ones who can make themselves look the best. That does not mean that when you meet them, they are the best looking or have the best chat, when I was dating, you’d chat to girls on Instagram, meet them, and they would come across like a f*cking cardboard box.
“The flip of that is also true, there are people I know who are the most charming, good-looking, and funny but when you put a dating app in front of them, they don’t know how to come across.
“One thing I have noticed is how much time it takes, years ago you used to say I’ve lost my mate to his relationship, that bollocks now, I lose my mates to being single, I lose them to bumble. They will break with their partner and for a week it's tap, tap, tap, spending a week talking to “Jessica”, maybe meeting her, but that’s it. It is the cost-of-living crisis, you can’t be going out with a girl for 4 or 5 pints, spending £40 just to never see them again.
“Though that is apps, they want your attention 24/7, people get lost in that, they think they are talking to Jessica, but they are talking Bumble, who have done everything they can to make that match happen, it’s toxic, really f*cking toxic.
“The best things are organic and happen when you aren’t looking for them. If you focus on yourself and your friends, and not what you look like, then you will have less desperate energy, which will make you more attractive and available.
“Do not be a shark, don’t be one of those desperate guys hanging near the dance floor trying to get with the girls, we’ve all done it but it’s horrible, you’ll look like a creep.”
Now time for a disclaimer and those who are continuing to read might start to think we interviewed a grandad for modern dating advice, but we can confirm Jacob is 31.
Please believe us.
“10 years ago, it was a lot more of a night out thing, there wasn’t this culture of people videoing themselves, nights out were getting messy, you could move to three or four girls, there wasn’t this fear of getting rejected and having thousands of people filming. You could fall and nobody care, but now it is such a big thing.
“Now this will make me sound old, but when I was 18, you had one mate who had a digital camera, but these weren’t going straight up on Facebook, they would have to go home get the SD card and download it, I swear I sound like 40 years old.
“Screenshotting text conversations and banging them on Twitter is a common thing now, but you could take anything out of context and make it look horrendous, obviously not now because I have a girlfriend, though back in the day I could have screenshotted a few messages and they could have gone to jail.
“Everyone is watching, it can affect your work because your employers could see what you have done, the stakes are so much higher now, I feel sorry for the people who are younger than me, no wonder people are scared of getting knocked back.”
Through all the struggles of the modern dating world, Jacob somehow managed to find the love of his life in his girlfriend, Alannah, with who he has spent four and a half years together.
On the way, they have managed to collect one child after two years of dating and are now a few weeks away from their second.
They met through a friend, she was the pretty friend that no one had a chance with, and it was at her leaving party before she set off to Saudi Arabia, where Jacob became a ‘simp’ for life.
“I knew straight away, I was head over heels in love with her, I was a puppy around her. I remember learning at the party she was leaving, and I didn’t make a move, but I ran to the nearest corner shop, buying her a bouquet of flowers and writing her a card.
“I shouldn’t have had a chance, but it’s almost funny to have a go, it’s like if Aston Villa is playing Arsenal, they’ll have a pop at corners because why the f*ck not, I was going long, playing direct, I had nothing to lose, I was just very honest all the way through, readying to be knocked back.
(Dear reader, Jacob is an Arsenal fan, I’m sorry).
“Even now, the graft doesn’t stop, it’s all communication being honest, working on issues. It’s hard to be a good dad, mate, and boyfriend while working mad shift patterns, three businesses, and a comedy career and while we’re arguing, on social media, all you see are people bragging about how long they’ve been together, the holidays they’re going on or the cocktails they are drinking, but they aren’t.
“People portray these bollocks fake lives where no one argues, everyone is happy all the time, money is never hard, never lying there awake at night thinking how the f*ck am I going to pay rent in two weeks’ time, but that’s REAL life.
“It’s toxic positivity if you see people living these perfect lives, and it leaves you feeling shit about yourself, but everyone goes on shit dates, everyone argues and it’s about accepting that and working on it.
“Tell your mates when the kids are doing your nut in, or your partner is being a pain in the ass, or if work and life are shit, and if it is all a bit too much, get out and get on the session because that’s life and I think we all have a responsibility, to be honest, and not live that love island life.”